I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
