Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
