I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
