What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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