i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
