there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
