Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Randomize
