When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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