I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
