She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
