Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You may now shotgun with the bride
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
