you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
