Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
