he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
