So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
