and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
