just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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