guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
