mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
