people are starting to question the shark bite story
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
