I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
