Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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