Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
