I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
