Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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