I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
