Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
