who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I've blown a few things in my day
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
