She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
