she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
