nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
