he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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