And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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