His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
