I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
