I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
