I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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