I'm gonna have a badass scar
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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