Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
