It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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