Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
