i barfeds in our rink
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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