Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
