Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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