I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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