i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
