it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
