i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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