First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
