I accidentally burped into my bong.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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