I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
